Spooftastic Parody of Julius Caesar
by AB vs Predator
Summary: Ever wanted somebody to spoof the crap out of Julius Caesar? Well I did it. However, the humor in this is antisophisticated. Read at your own risk, I spose. Review if you read it.


Spooftastic parody of Julius Caesar

By AB vs. Predator

**Act One**

* * *

"So the Roman, Gaul, and Greek are all ready to kill each other when they see a lady walk in and they all say 'Oh my God…Mom!'...Who are these idiots?" The Senator asked once he got outside. A bunch of drunken dudes were all stumbling around and going "Woo!" 

"_What_ do you think you're _doing_?"

"We're shelebrating!" The closest one piped up.

"Why aren't you wearing your name tag you filthy drunken poopyface?"

"It uh, fell off." He lied, he was holding it behind his back. Normally it would've said cobbler, but as a prank his friends had changed it to something embarrassing.

"Well, what's your job?"

"I, sher, am a cobbler."

"I can't hear you. Speak louder!"

"A mender of bad sholes!" He proclaimed. His friends hooted and howled; they were too drunk to remember how to laugh.

"So you're a priest?" The Senator asked, now feeling stupid.

"I fix shoes, man."

"You guys are retarded! Didn't you all worship Pompey as if he were a god not even a week ago?"

"Yep. And now we love sheezer!"

"Well we hate Caesar! Go home!"

So, ignoring the fact that that day (February 15th, 44 BC) was the Feast of Lupercal, the citizens hung their heads and went home.

"Alright, man. Let's take down these decorations."

"Won't Caesar kill us?"

"Of course not."

_Later that day_

"Any last words?"

"Dude, I freaking told you."

_Chop-chop, slop-slop, gush-gurgle-blood!_

"Executioner! Stop making noises and kill them!"

* * *

Outside the Coliseum, Caesar arrived and a trumpet blast made sure everyone knew it.

"Hail Caesar!"  
"_Hayul Caesar!_"

In this day and age it might seem strange because Caesar's trusted buddy, Mark Antony, was standing there. Naked. Outside in public. _Naked_.

That's just how they ran around during races back then.

"Alright Antony, listen up. Calpurnia is gonna touch you when you run past her. This should make it so that she's not sterile anymore. Since this is like a holy race or whatever."

Antony considered suggesting the idea that maybe Caesar was the one who was sterile, but then decided he wanted to keep the things which made it a big deal that he was naked.

"When Caesar says jump, Mark Antony asks how high!" He said instead.

Then they tried to leave, but some weird old guy with funky looking glazed-over eyes got in the way. For a little bit he just stood there and Caesar thought that maybe he just came out there on accident. Then the old dude put his hand out and waved it around all prophecy-telling like and told Caesar to "beware the Ides of March". Caesar kicked the dude out of the way and went into the stadium.

Cassius was a member of the Senate, and really didn't like Caesar. He _really_ didn't like Caesar. He would never admit it was jealousy but that's what it was. He was jealous that Caesar had all the freakin' power. And if more power were to come up, Caesar would get that, too. So he decided last night on the can that he wanted to kill Caesar. Oh heck yeah, he was gonna do it. Well, not him, but rather, _Him_. HimBrutus.

"Brutus! Come here buddy!" Cassius demanded. Cassius grinned because he thought that if Brutus had a tail it would probably wag right now. His tongue was hanging out regardless of the fact that he was a man.

"Dude, you know you don't look at cool as you used to? You used to be all happy and sparkly and stuff. But now you seem kinda depressed or something." Cassius said.

"Well, it's probably 'cause I can't see my own face."

"If you could you would because you should, Brother Brutus! You da _man_! And that Caesar. Grr! I don't like him, because he thinks he's all that and a bag of ostrich eyes. Well, you know what? He's not. In fact…he's kind of a wimp." Brutus' eyes started to show interest.

"How so?"

"Well this one time I was like 'I can beat you in a race across the Tiber, sucka!'. And it was all stormy and icky out and the river was going crazy and we were wearing _full battle armor_. So Caesar was like 'Nuh uh!' and just dove right in. So I did, too and not even half way across he's like 'Ah, Cassius! Gurgle! I'm drowning! SAVE ME!' So I grabbed him and with the use of only one arm I dragged him to shore." Cassius took the time to flex his muscles a lot like Hulk Hogan would nearly two thousand years later before going on.

"And then there was this other time and he fell over and was like 'garg! Ag!'" Cassius flopped to the ground and spasmed like a fish out of water, "and then he started crying like a little girly man."

Brutus was about to say something, but then it dawned on him; his shoes weren't tied. So he tied his shoes and came to another realization while doing so. Cassius was probably up to something, but what Brutus did not know.

"Well, Cassius…what do you want?" He asked after getting back up from tying his shoes.

"Uhhhh, nothing." He looked around warily. Cassius hadn't thought that Brutus would be able to figure anything out, especially not that his shoes were untied.

Another trumpet blast was sounded and then Caesar and his 'entourage' walked by. Caesar didn't even have body guards anymore. Yeah, I know! What a punk. Cassius grabbed a guy named Casca out of the group.

"Hey there, Casca. What are you doing?"

"Um, nothing."

"What was all that yelling about in the stadium?"

"Well Caesar was offered one of those crappy little leaf-crown things by Antony three times and he denied it every time."

"What a little butt-face. Why don't I have you for dinner tonight?"

Casca took a step back.

"Why don't I have you over for dinner tonight?" Cassius rephrased.

"Um, I can't. I have something else to do. But I'll meet with you eventually."

"Alright."

And so the plan had been set in motion.

* * *

_Imagine this: a montage of Cassius training like Rocky did from February 16th to March 13th. You don't really have the general idea of what happened, but it was still fun, right?_

It was March 14th, 44 B.C. Apparently, God had decided that he was tired of people worshipping all these goofy Roman gods like Jupiter….haha, more like, _Stupider_. HAHAHA. God really cracks himself up at times.

Anyways, he was taking it out on them by making this really big storm over Rome and having all this crazy stuff happen. Casca was getting extremely freaked out. He was standing there on the steps to this building when Cicero came up behind him and said, "Cool, isn't it?"

Casca drew a dagger and came close to cutting off Cicero's head. He stopped when he realized who it was, though. Instead of killing him he laughed nervously and put the dagger away.

"Alright, what are you so jumpy about?"

"This freakin' _storm_, man! Do you see it? Look! It's…it's _storming_! I've seen a storm or two before, but ohhhh man. This is a big one. You know what? I was walking past this guy, and he got _struck_ by _lightning_. His arm _lit on fire_, and then he just stood there staring at it as if the fire wasn't burning him. And it must not have been, because otherwise he would've been like 'AHHH!'

"This is a terrible sign! A _terrible_ one! We shouldn't kill Caesar, man. We should _not_ kill Caesar. It's a sign from the gods!"

God had some lightning strike the street in front of him.

"See man? See?" Casca raved.

"Whatever…_psycho!_" Cicero then ran away.

Then another weird thing happened. Cassius came walking down the street, and he had no shirt on. He was holding his arms out sideways and smiling up at the sky. Perhaps he'd been hitting the peace pipe, if you know what I mean.

"_Cassius_?" Casca asked.

"Casca, by your voice! Right? It is you isn't it Casca? It has to be you."

"Yeah, it's me."

"You sound kind of worried, friend."

"Heck yeah, I am. If we had cigarettes, I would smoke one _right now_."

"What are cigarettes?"

"I don't know; the author's kind of wacky."

Cassius tried to figure out what this meant. He shrugged and then decided to tell Casca what was on his mind.

"Alright, this storm _freakin rocks_. Am I right?"

"No, man! I'm gonna end up soiling myself if it doesn't let up."

"Weird. Well I was walking around taunting the skies because I'm just that bad. And before that there was this tiger that had broken out of the Coliseum that said 'They'rrrrrre _great_!' when I saw it. You know what? This is a good sign. It means we should kill Caesar."

"It is?"

"Of course it is. I'm smarter than you, right?"

"A valid point. I believe you."

* * *

**Act Two**

* * *

Later that night, it had become March 15th. The Ides. 

At Brutus' crib he'd been getting random letters from the citizens of Rome.

"Hm…these letters make me want to kill Caesar."

_Knock knock, Neo._

"Who's knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's door!" Brutus was obviously threatening to kill anyone who just barged in.

"It's me, Cassius, and a few other dudes. Come outside, man."

Brutus got up from his chair and went outside. They were all wearing cloaks for some reason.

"So what's up, Brutus. You know we're gonna kill Caesar, right? You in?"

"Sure."

"We're gonna try and kill Caesar nicely, though."

"How do you plan on doing that?"

"I dunno."

"Alright, sweet."

"You guys _do_ know it's three in the morning, though, right?" Brutus asked.

"It is? Crap. We need to get home."

"See ya."

Portia, Brutus' wife, came outside.

"Brutus…you seem weird lately. Is there something bothering you? I want to know."

"It's nothing! Nothing I say!" He said quickly, then turned around to run away but hit his head on a tree branch and knocked himself out. In fact, he hit it so hard he did a back-flip and landed right on his face.

"Oooh, he's gonna feel that one in the morning." Portia mumbled before going back inside.

* * *

Later, after sunrise and all that at Caesar's crib he'd finally woken up Calpurnia. She'd been rolling around the bed all night and screaming, 'Oh no! They killed Caesar!' Caesar wondered what this dream could mean.

"You are _not_ going _anywhere_ today, mister!" She yelled.

Caesar hung his head and mumbled something along the lines of 'okay'.

Decius then showed up.

"So then, buddy, old pal, old friend of mine, who I would _never_ kill, are you ready to go the perfectly-safe Senate meeting?"

"Ah, Calpurnia says I can't go anywhere."

"That's dumb! Go have your people sacrifice an animal. It will show that it's safe to go outside. For God's sake, man, the bubonic plague isn't for another 1500 years."

So Caesar sent his sacrificial priest things to go and sacrifice a cow. They cut it open and when the guts came out it was all icky sounding and some lady screamed. Then they dug around in it's innards for nearly five minutes, looking for something.

"Well, Caesar. We killed the cow and we couldn't find a heart in it. We even checked to make sure everything came out, and, sure enough, everything was out." The head priest told him.

"How strange. Hey Calpurnia, just what was it that you were freaking out about last night?"

"Well, I had a dream that a statue of you was standing there, minding it's own business, when all of a sudden it just started to bleed! Then these people came and they started throwing the blood all over themselves; it was horrible!"

"Hm…" Caesar went into deep thought. What could this all mean?

"Well, hey! That's not a bad thing! Listen, ok? The people were washing themselves in his blood because it symbolizes that without Caesar, Rome would suck."

"He's right! You're stupid Calpurnia. Go sit somewhere while I go to my meeting." Caesar marched out of the room.

* * *

At the place where the meeting was to take place, an old friend of Caesar, Artemidorus, was waiting for him. He had a note saying who to be aware of, and it listed all the conspirators.

"Caesar! Dude, it's me! Here, read this note." He gave it to Caesar.

"No, no, no. Just go to the meeting." Decius urged.

"Ok!" Caesar put the note in his pocket and went inside.

"Curse that Decius, I will have to defeat him in Mortal Kombat the next time we meet." Then Artemidorus walked away whistling.

* * *

"Dude, I am gonna freakin' kill myself if this doesn't work." Cassius promised.

"Hey Caesar, listen man. You know how my brother has been exiled from Rome? Could you _please_ let him back in?" Cimber asked.

"Why should I?"

"You…you're just a big bully!" Cimber broke down crying.

"_Speak hands, for me!_" Casca cried and stabbed Caesar right in the back with his nine-inch-long dagger. Then the other conspirators started to stab Caesar as well.

"Ah! Ah! I _never _even saw this coming! Ouch! Ooh! Stop! Argh!" At this point, Caesar had been stabbed about twelve times.

"Why won't you _die?_" Cassius begged on the twenty-eighth stab.

"Bad, bad, pointy daggers!" Caesar screamed on the thirty-second stab, beginning to drool. Then he saw him. It was Brutus, one of his best friends and _he_ was stabbing him, too.

"_Et tu, Brute?_-Then fall Caesar!" Julius Caesar had just spoken his last words. He stumbled forward and fell flat on his face at the base of Pompey's statue.

The conspirators stared at him.

"Is he-….is he _finally_ dead?" Cassius asked while the other Senators ran screaming out of the building.

"_Et tu, Brute_? What in the world does that mean?" Brutus asked.

"It's Latin, it pretty much means 'you too, Brutus?'" Cassius told him.

"If we've been speaking English this whole time, _why_ would he speak Latin there? Nobody will understand it!"

"Just calm down, alright? We need to calm everyone else down as well." Cassius soothed.

"Well, I've got an idea. Let's wash ourselves in Caesar's blood, wipe our weapons in his blood, and then go outside and run around screaming." Casca suggested, possibly one of the worst ideas ever made at that point in time. It was only until candy corn was made years later that someone had finally come up with a worse idea.

Cassius slapped Casca.

"_I'll_ talk to them." Brutus said, and he sounded just a little bit annoyed. One, he'd just killed a really awesome dude, and two, his head hurt _so bad_ from the tree-branch accident a few hours ago.

* * *

**Act Three**

* * *

"Where's Antony?" Cassius wondered aloud. 

A few minutes later, Antony walked up looking rather defeated.

"Listen, if you guys are going to kill me, then there is no better time to do it than now." He told them. Cassius took a step forward but Brutus stopped him.

"Nah, we aren't gonna kill you. We just want you to know we did this for the greater good of Rome."

"Well, alright. That's understandable. You guys are really cool, you know that? The only thing that I ask of you is that you allow me to speak at Caesar's funeral."

"Ok, but on these conditions!" Cassius spoke up before Brutus could take him aside and talk to him like he was supposed to.

"One, that you tell the people that the only reason you're being allowed to speak is because we said you could, and two, that you don't say _anything_ bad about us."

"Alright, that's fair."  
"Ok, we're gonna go home and take baths and stuff. We'll see you later."

"Ooooh, I'm gonna get you, _suckas_." Antony said quietly after they'd left.

"Get who?"  
"WHOA! Where did you come from?"

"I'm Octavius' servant."

"Octavius? Where is he!" Antony asked urgently.

"About 20 miles out of town. What happened?"

"Caesar was killed, tell him not to come to town for a few days."  
"Ok."

* * *

At the funeral, Brutus was first to speak. But first, he had Cassius take away the people who weren't going to listen. Any potential tomato-throwers were removed from the premises.

"Hey, Caesar was awesome. Caesar was _really_ awesome. But the guy, he was just too ambitious, you know? He was tearing everyone else down, and he was probably gonna end up getting all us killed. So we stabbed him a lot. That guy took a lot before he went down. But that is beside the point, my friends. We killed Caesar, for _you_. For the _greater good _of Rome."

"Yeah! Brutus is right! WOO BRUTUS!" Someone yelled. The crowd broke out in applause.

"Shut up!" He screamed. Everyone quieted down.

"Antony is going to talk to you guys. I'm gonna leave him unsupervised while he most likely does something that I wish I'd been here for."

Brutus left the scene without worrying about it.

Antony ignored the butterflies that were eating him from the inside out and began to speak to the idiots that made up Rome.

"Caesar was a good man. That is true. But he was ambitious. He wanted too much! At least, that is what the men who killed him say. Ambitious, how true! For indeed, do you know what he left you, the citizens of Rome, in his will? _Seventy-five drachmas each_." The crowd all gasped. Antony continued before they could start celebrating.

"Yes, indeed this man was much too ambitious. The _honorable_ men who killed him, Brutus and Cassius, and the other conspirators, they made a good decision. These, _honorable men_, who stabbed Caesar to death with no warning at all; they are indeed mighty fellows. They have nowhere near as much _ambition_ as Caesar did. Death appears to be the price of such ambition."

"Hey! Antony's right! The conspirators suck! _LET'S KILL THEM!_"

"Whoa, whoa, hey! I don't want to stir you up into sudden mutiny here! Calm down and listen a little more, would you? Caesar left you all something else, as well. He left you all of his orchards and parks on this side of the Tiber. Now, I am no great orator, as Brutus is."

"Brutus sucks!"

"I don't entirely agree with that, the other conspirators and Brutus were a little, uh, let's say, _off_, in their decision. But it's nothing that can't be repaid."

"They'll repay it in their blood! Let's go!"

Antony smiled.

* * *

Cinna the poet stood on a corner writing a mildly crappy poem. A gang of people stopped by him.

"Look, it's Cinna!"  
"What? No! I'm Cinna the poet!"

"You are? Son of a-…." The leader trailed off.

"His poetry sucks!" Someone in the middle of the group yelled.

"_YEAH!_" The rest screamed.

"No! No! I am Cinna the _poet_!"

A man wearing black clothes, mask and hat jumped down. In three quick slashes a Z appeared in Cinna's shirt.

"Haha! Fear Zorro!"

Indeed, Cinna meet a gruesome death. Plus his shirt had been brand new.

* * *

**Act Four**

* * *

"Well, who else are we gonna kill?" 

"That guy always standing around making bad poetry. I think his name is Cinna."

"Crowd already got him."

"Really? _Crap_! I wanted to kill that dude so bad." Octavius lamented.

It was a day or two since the riot and Antony, Octavius, and Lepidus had formed a Triumvirate. Heh, Triumvirate. That's a cool word.

"So Lepidus, why don't you go get Caesar's will for us?" Antony asked.

"Sure thing, bro." Lepidus said and left.

"That guy's just about as dumb as my horse. But at least he has a lot of money. Not enough, though. That's why I'm going to change Caesar's will. HAHAHA!" Antony laughed like Dr. Evil.

* * *

Outside of the town Sardis, Cassius and Brutus had set up their camp. Brutus was hanging out with some guys from his army when all of a sudden Cassius came up and started freaking out.

"You have done me wrong, _brother_!"

"What are you talking about?"

"You have done me _wrong, BROTHER!_" Cassius screamed.

"Listen, let's go in the tent and then you can tell me what's on your mind, ok?" Brutus said, and then started dragging Cassius into his tent.

The soldiers didn't like to see them fighting like this. It made them feel like Cassius and Brutus didn't love them. One of the soldiers even started crying.

"Why you gotta disrespect me like that in front of my homies?" Brutus asked.

"I don't know man. I'm sorry." Cassius said. The argument had been resolved. Without warning, some dude busted into the tent!

"Brutus, my lord! I have news for you! The bad news is that your wife has killed herself. The good news is…well…uh…no, it's all bad."

"Why? Why did my Portia kill herself?"

"Cuz Antony and Octavius were like 'rar' and she was like 'Never!' and decided that she would rather die than be taken hostage and forced to give them information. So she had all the servants around the house kill themselves and then she swallowed a hot coal and was like 'grag! Gurlglggle!'" The messenger fell over and feigned death.

"Well, dude. I feel uncomfortable watching men cry, so I'm going to leave." Cassius said.

"Wait! I want to fight Antony and Octavius at Phillippi."

"Sure, dude. Anything for you." Cassius left after saying this.

Brutus cried for a while and then started to get angry that the messenger was still in there. He went over and kicked him as hard as he could, screaming for him to leave. The messenger didn't move. Puzzled, Brutus checked his pulse.

The messenger must have died from doing such a good job of pretending to die.

When Brutus turned around he nearly pooped in his prehistoric pants. There before him was someone he thought he would have never seen again. Not Portia, not his daddy, not even that guy who had saved his life back in 'Nam. No, the man before him was Julius Caesar.

"Oh my _god_!" Brutus said, and (not knowing what else to do) fell to one knee and bowed.

"Hey Brutus." Julius said smugly.

"What?" He looked up hesitantly.

"See you at Phillippi." The ghost winked and then disappeared.

_Now_ Brutus pooped in his prehistoric pants.

* * *

**Act Five**

* * *

As they marched to Phillippi Cassius observed a good sign at the beginning. Two eagles were following them. Bald eagles. Cassius felt sorry that the exposed skin on their heads would probably get cancer from the UV rays but at least they symbolized victory and freedom. The army stopped at a rest area about halfway there and when they started again the eagles were gone. They marched for a while longer and then Cassius saw something bad: the eagles had been replaced by crows, ravens, and hawks. 

"Nevermore! Nevermore!" One of the ravens crowed.

A soldier screamed like a girl and fainted. Unfortunately, when he fell down he hit his head on a rock and his brain fell out. Upon seeing the raven the brain, too, screamed like a girl and fainted.

* * *

At Phillippi, the generals met before the battle. It was Cassius' birthday and they had important things to discuss.

"Yo momma's so fat that when she gets cut, marshmallow comes out!" Antony said to Cassius.

"Well at least I don't run around kissing people's hinies all the time!" Cassius fired back.

"…hiny!...He said hiny!" Lepidus was standing with Brutus and Cassius, laughing.

"Lepidus! What're you doing? You're not even supposed to be here!" Octavius grabbed Lepidus and Antony and then they left.

Brutus and Cassius finished laughing a little bit later and then got to a more serious subject.

"Well, dude, this may be the last time we meet. So goodbye, man."

"Goodbye, my friend."

"Oh, and Cassius!"  
"What?"

"Suicide is for the weak!"  
"Yeah, ok."

* * *

So the fight went on as Brutus' army vs. Octavius' army with Brutus winning and Antony's army vs. Cassius' army with Antony winning. After a while it had become very hard to see what was going on and there was a group of cavalry riding around without any resistance.

"Titinius, go and see if those guys are good guys or bad guys." Cassius ordered.

"Alright."

"Pindarus, go up to the top of that hill there and tell me what's going on."

"Ok….Titinius has made it to them. Oh my god! They're chasing him! He's about to get away! Oh no! Oh _no_! They captured him! They've captured Titinius!"

"Oh God! What have I done?" Cassius sobbed.

"Pindarus…come here." The servant did as he was told.

"I want you to-" Pindarus shoved the sword he'd been given into Cassius' stomach. Cassius died. Pindarus looked around, then grabbed Cassius' wallet and ran. Titinius came back a minute or two later. Pindarus was apparently a blind man or just kind of stupid, because the guys who had "captured" Titinius weren't bad guys.

"Aw, no! My buddy!" Titinius said. Then he ripped off his own head with his _bare hands_, he just couldn't live without Cassius.

So now Cassius' soldiers stopped fighting and just gave up. Brutus was being overwhelmed and things looked poopyful. He'd managed to buy himself some time, though, by getting some dude to pretend to be him. Antony found him and then told him to go hang out at his tent. Some guy once said something about being close to your enemies or something.

* * *

"Dude, hey. Kill me." Brutus said to one of his soldiers.

"No way man!"

Brutus asked a couple other guys and they too, didn't have the guts to do it.

"Oh my god! It's bad guys! Run!" Could be heard coming from down the hill. People started taking off, not wanting to be captured. Brutus grabbed his servant, Strato.

"Strato, I want you to hold this sword still while I run into it."

"But won't that-"

"Yes, it will kill me."

Strato had planned on asking if that would ruin the sword but oh well. He held it still.

"Caesar, killing you was half as hard as this." He said, then ran onto his sword before he had time to figure out if he'd said that right. He'd meant to say it was harder to kill Caesar than himself. Perhaps it had come out wrong…

A little bit later Antony was in the tent that housed Brutus' body.

"This was the noblest Roman of them all."

"I get dibs on Rome." Octavius said quickly.

"Will you shut up? You're breaking my concentration!"

"Sorry, man."

"I was gonna say how he only killed Caesar for Rome and not for some selfish reason in this big long artsy dramatic way and then you open your mouth. Forget it."

"Well, hey. What do we do with him?"

"Take him back to Rome and give him a soldier's burial. I'm outta here."

_The End_


End file.
